The ultimate consultant: who you gonna call?
[Continued from yesterday’s Part 1.]
Yesterday’s post introduced the quintessential consultancy, the Ghostbusters, and illustrated their business and marketing brilliance.
I owe my success entirely to my time not studying in college
We continue with their rules of being a successful consultant:
E. Often your consulting will involve housing.
[Louis is being chased by a demon dog]
Louis: [frightened] I’m going bring this up with the Tenant’s Association. You’re not supposed to have pets in the building.
I don’t think you’re allowed under the lease
F. When examining property problems, always research the title, as it may provide relevant background:
Dr. Egon Spengler: The architect’s name was Evo Shandor. I found it in Tobin’s Spirit Guide. He was also a doctor, performed a lot of unnecessary surgery. And then in 1920, he started a secret society…
Dr. Peter Venkman: Let me guess: Gozer worshippers.
Dr. Egon Spengler: Right.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [to Ray] No studying.
Dr. Egon Spengler: After the First World War, Shandor decided that society was too sick to survive. And he wasn’t alone, he had close to a thousand followers when he died. They conducted rituals up on the roof. Bizarre rituals, intended to bring about the end of the world, and now it looks like it might actually happen.
We have to go up on the roof?
G. Consultants tackle problems and deliver unpleasant news. They try things that may not work. Being criticized is a client’s prerogative.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I don’t have to take this abuse from you, I’ve got hundreds of people dying to abuse me.
I’m reporting abuse
H. When dealing with contentious matters, be extra careful to comply with any government notice procedures:
Dr. Ray Stantz: Gozer the Gozerian – good evening.
Courtesy is never amiss.
As a duly designated representative of the City, County and State of New York, I order you to cease any and all supernatural activity and return forthwith to your place of origin or to the nearest convenient parallel dimension.
Dr. Peter Venkman: [Sarcastically] That oughta do it. Thanks very much, Ray.
You do realize you’re violating the regulations here?
I. When dealing with technical issues, the client should not have to be expert. Results should be presented devoid of jargon, and expressed as outcomes valuable to the client:
Dr. Peter Venkman: We came, we saw, we kicked its ass.
Just another day’s work saving
3. Government relations
I’m the duly constituted bureaucrat here
A. When dealing with large complex matters that clients might find risky, give your clients a low-cost early-exit option:
What’s my political downside here?
[Persuading the mayor to let them stop a supernatural upheaval]
Dr. Peter Venkman: If I’m wrong, nothing happens! We go to jail - peacefully, quietly. We’ll enjoy it!
Then frame your service’s value not just in terms of the larger policy benefits, but in practical considerations that help your contact executive achieve his personal objectives too:
But if I’m right, and we can stop this thing… Lenny, you will have saved the lives of millions of registered voters.
That’s one re-election secured!
B. Maintain good relations with regulatory bodies:
Walter Peck: I’m Walter Peck, from the Environmental Protection Agency, the third district. Are you Peter Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes, I’m Doctor Venkman!
Walter Peck: Exactly what are you a doctor of, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Well, I have a PhD in parapsychology and psychology.
Walter Peck: And now, you catch ghosts?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah, you could say that.
Walter Peck: And how many ghosts have you caught, Mr. Venkman?
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m not at liberty to say.
Walter Peck: And where do you put these ghosts, once you catch them?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Into a storage facility.
Walter Peck: And would this storage facility be located on these premises?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yes.
Walter Peck: And may I see this storage facility?
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why do you want to see the storage facility?
Walter Peck: Because I’m curious. I wanna know more about what you do here! Frankly, I’ve heard a lot of wild stories in the media and we want to assess any possibility of dangerous and possibly hazardous waste chemicals in your basement. Now you either show me what is down there, or I come back with a court order.
But don’t be intimated:
Dr. Peter Venkman: You go get a court order, and I’ll sue your funny ass for wrongful prosecution.
Astral streams okay; smoking not okay
4. Business development and organization
The ghosts I can bust, it’s the paperwork that gets me
A. Hire employees who embrace your value system:
Janine Melnitz: Do you believe in UFOs, astral projections, mental telepathy, ESP, clairvoyance, spirit photography, telekinetic movement, full trance mediums, the Loch Ness monster and the theory of Atlantis?
Winston Zeddemore: Ah, if there’s a steady paycheck in it, I’ll believe anything you say.
I believe in getting paid
B. While recent graduates can be excellent employees, they often need a bit of orientation about private sector imperatives:
Dr. Ray Stantz: You’ve never been out of college! You don’t know what it’s like out there! I’ve worked in the private sector. They expect results.
What do you mean, no results, no pay?
C. A prudent consultant also recognizes that its executives need to be protected from on-the-job liability, as with directors and officers (D&O) insurance:
Winston Zeddemore: Hey, wait a minute. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey. Hold it. Now, are we actually gonna go before a federal judge, and tell him that some moldy Babylonian god is going to drop in on Central Park West, and start tearing up the city?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Sumerian, not Babylonian.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Yeah. Big difference.
Even at times of stress, it is important to use precise terminology:
Winston Zeddemore: No offense, guys, but I’ve gotta get my own lawyer.
And I expect the company to cover my legal bills
D. Consultants who tackle difficult challenges need to manage their credit risk:
Dr. Peter Venkman: You’re gonna endanger us, you’re gonna endanger our client - the nice lady, who paid us in advance, before she became a dog…
We love clients who pay in advance
E. Not only should you do the job well, you should treat every experience as an opportunity for learning and documenting, adding to your knowledge.
Dr. Ray Stantz: You know, Mr. Tully, you are a most fortunate individual.
Louis: I know!
Dr. Ray Stantz: You have been a participant in the biggest inter-dimensional cross rip since the
Louis: Felt great.
Dr. Egon Spengler: We’d like to get a sample of your brain tissue.
Louis: Okay.
I’ve got brains to spare!
Who ya gonna call?
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